"Well good morning to you too! But first let me start off by saying how much I hate you."
I had found my self struggling to find peace within my self. I was stuck between a dark place and self notations of having a border line personality disorder or some kind of disorder. None which was true, I was rather just acting like a child who wanted her way. A child screaming and crying for her way and for attention. This which I often struggled with because I like to blame it on being the only child for about 21 years until my brother came along which still didn't make a difference. How ever I wasn't the selfish type of child who only took and never gave. I would give that one person I cared about my last dollar if it meant them eating over me, I would have given a stranger the clothes of my back if it meant them not being cold, if you were in my life and I loved you there was nothing I wouldn't do for you.... But when it came to getting what I wanted I always seemed to act like a child if I didn't get it and to be honest I never really wanted much.
Anyways.. back to my morning I tend to go off track sometimes.. so I woke up feeling like I just need to hear some truth, and I need to make peace with what had happened. Part of me wanted to know did he move on and find someone else? And when I say that I don't say it because Im insecure I say it because just like any other woman in this world we all wonder.. We wonder who is she.. what does she have that I don't ... Is she better than me?... and if you say you never thought that after a break up then I would love to meet you and ask you how you didn't let those kind of thoughts take control of your mind... So me being me.. I decided to stupidly message him and ask him.. because believe it or not I am a gluten for punishment.
So my silly ass sent that dreadful first message which I knew was going to snowball.. "hey is there someone you're interested in?" while hitting send knowing that is not how I should have started it but Im just going to anyways because really I had nothing left to loose. (*other than to come off as totally crazy and the "psycho ex"**)
He then proceeded with no.. and I then made a complete ass of my self by refusing to believe it. Because how could someone possibly move on and not be interested in someone else... Yes my woman logic is so stupid some times.. But that conversation snowballed faster than I could have said go!.
He had a very sharp tongue; always had one since the first day I had met him. His words always found a way to cut me deeper and deeper each time. I had unleashed the dragon by opening up my big mouth.
And all I actually wanted to do was to say sorry for any hurt or pain I may have caused him in the last 5 years. But it was too late to say sorry he was fuelled by anger and hate. It was like watching the oxidation of our history rapidly increase into combustion and releasing products of various forms of hate. There was no stopping him now the fire had grown from his heart and was released through his finger tips. " The first mistake I ever made in my life was dating you" "I don't forgive you" "My heart hates you from deep within" "good day!"
Most of you after reading this will probably think what an asshole or damn she must deserve it... No he's not an asshole.. and yes.. I actually deserve it. It took me a long time to realize I am probably one of the most flawed people you will ever meet. I am entirely made up and put together by flaws. Flaws which to me make me unique. Flaws which to me I love and have grown to acknowledge. But those flaws caused him such grief.
But Mr.K (yes that is what we shall refer to him as :) - was unable to realize that is what made me special, or at least I would like to think so. I never pretended to be someone I was not. I had always been very straight up. I had always said it how it was. And at the end of the day you either love me for me or you don't. But know that I loved him for him unconditionally flaws and all. And he was flawed but that's what made him so special to me.
anyways.....
He considered me crazy because I fought for what I wanted. I was condemned for feeling the way I felt or thinking the things I thought. And Part of the reason I am writing this blog is so someone out there realizes that just because you let your feelings show doesn't make you crazy. We all react in different ways. We all deal with things different.
My way doesn't make your way any less on the scale.
Sure I get carried away and get jealous, but at least I can admit it. I think there has to be some kind of sanity in that. And to say that it is wrong to get jealous or over react or to act upset would be to put a veil over my eyes. It would be letting someone brain wash me into thinking that my wiring is incorrect. Preconceived ideas that brain wash our society to thinking anything can be cured with popping some pills because you've been branded as crazy..... And I refuse to think of my self as crazy or to even think less of my self.
With all that craziness my heart was always in the right place and that is one thing I will always believe about my self.
And like always I tend to ramble and get off track..
But the moral of the story ...is that today I learnt about hate, something I was not capable of doing. Sadly as much as he hates me I still love him. And if a day ever came where he asked me to forgive him and take him back after all the hurtful foul things he said.. Truth be told I would. I don't know what it means to hate especially if I loved you from the start.
I had found my self struggling to find peace within my self. I was stuck between a dark place and self notations of having a border line personality disorder or some kind of disorder. None which was true, I was rather just acting like a child who wanted her way. A child screaming and crying for her way and for attention. This which I often struggled with because I like to blame it on being the only child for about 21 years until my brother came along which still didn't make a difference. How ever I wasn't the selfish type of child who only took and never gave. I would give that one person I cared about my last dollar if it meant them eating over me, I would have given a stranger the clothes of my back if it meant them not being cold, if you were in my life and I loved you there was nothing I wouldn't do for you.... But when it came to getting what I wanted I always seemed to act like a child if I didn't get it and to be honest I never really wanted much.
Anyways.. back to my morning I tend to go off track sometimes.. so I woke up feeling like I just need to hear some truth, and I need to make peace with what had happened. Part of me wanted to know did he move on and find someone else? And when I say that I don't say it because Im insecure I say it because just like any other woman in this world we all wonder.. We wonder who is she.. what does she have that I don't ... Is she better than me?... and if you say you never thought that after a break up then I would love to meet you and ask you how you didn't let those kind of thoughts take control of your mind... So me being me.. I decided to stupidly message him and ask him.. because believe it or not I am a gluten for punishment.
So my silly ass sent that dreadful first message which I knew was going to snowball.. "hey is there someone you're interested in?" while hitting send knowing that is not how I should have started it but Im just going to anyways because really I had nothing left to loose. (*other than to come off as totally crazy and the "psycho ex"**)
He then proceeded with no.. and I then made a complete ass of my self by refusing to believe it. Because how could someone possibly move on and not be interested in someone else... Yes my woman logic is so stupid some times.. But that conversation snowballed faster than I could have said go!.
He had a very sharp tongue; always had one since the first day I had met him. His words always found a way to cut me deeper and deeper each time. I had unleashed the dragon by opening up my big mouth.
And all I actually wanted to do was to say sorry for any hurt or pain I may have caused him in the last 5 years. But it was too late to say sorry he was fuelled by anger and hate. It was like watching the oxidation of our history rapidly increase into combustion and releasing products of various forms of hate. There was no stopping him now the fire had grown from his heart and was released through his finger tips. " The first mistake I ever made in my life was dating you" "I don't forgive you" "My heart hates you from deep within" "good day!"
Most of you after reading this will probably think what an asshole or damn she must deserve it... No he's not an asshole.. and yes.. I actually deserve it. It took me a long time to realize I am probably one of the most flawed people you will ever meet. I am entirely made up and put together by flaws. Flaws which to me make me unique. Flaws which to me I love and have grown to acknowledge. But those flaws caused him such grief.
But Mr.K (yes that is what we shall refer to him as :) - was unable to realize that is what made me special, or at least I would like to think so. I never pretended to be someone I was not. I had always been very straight up. I had always said it how it was. And at the end of the day you either love me for me or you don't. But know that I loved him for him unconditionally flaws and all. And he was flawed but that's what made him so special to me.
anyways.....
He considered me crazy because I fought for what I wanted. I was condemned for feeling the way I felt or thinking the things I thought. And Part of the reason I am writing this blog is so someone out there realizes that just because you let your feelings show doesn't make you crazy. We all react in different ways. We all deal with things different.
My way doesn't make your way any less on the scale.
Sure I get carried away and get jealous, but at least I can admit it. I think there has to be some kind of sanity in that. And to say that it is wrong to get jealous or over react or to act upset would be to put a veil over my eyes. It would be letting someone brain wash me into thinking that my wiring is incorrect. Preconceived ideas that brain wash our society to thinking anything can be cured with popping some pills because you've been branded as crazy..... And I refuse to think of my self as crazy or to even think less of my self.
With all that craziness my heart was always in the right place and that is one thing I will always believe about my self.
And like always I tend to ramble and get off track..
But the moral of the story ...is that today I learnt about hate, something I was not capable of doing. Sadly as much as he hates me I still love him. And if a day ever came where he asked me to forgive him and take him back after all the hurtful foul things he said.. Truth be told I would. I don't know what it means to hate especially if I loved you from the start.