If anyone knew how hard it was to give up their heart to someone; it would have been me. Time after time like a broken record I had served my beating heart on a gold platter to the same person over and over again. I had tried not letting my insecurities get the best of me. Imagining my future with him.
But in the back of my mind there was this voice always whispering "watch out you could fall flat on your face again and he'll just walk away destroying you". I was always hoping that I could just be worthy of him one last time. Thinking maybe that I had to have trials and tribulations in order to have something more than love something better than love. It wasn't meant to be easy and it wasn't meant to be so difficult. But the struggle kept me wanting more. It was like a disgusting addiction. I had found my self addicted to having him hurt me because thats all I had known. To move on and let someone else love me was unquestionable. It was outrageous on a whole another level for me to even dare submerge my self into thinking such things.
Quite often I had found my self wondering what it would be like. Never attempting to get my feet wet but keeping an eye from a distance. I was a creature of habit, all I knew was him and I would rather suffer till the very end than change.
Anyone that knew me would tell say that I'm not the type of woman who is easily defeated or to even acknowledge defeat. I never give up even if it means being battered and bruised. If I was passionate enough I would find a way to make it work. To be defeated wasn't part of my vocabulary. Some how he always found a way to destroy me and he loved every second of it.
It was December 20th and it was the first time I had seen him in over 3 months. I had spent a whole week planning one last attempt in trying to rekindle the flame that had been put out. I hadn't slept all night. I was nervous; and I could feel it in my bones because they were mocking me with laughter. I was about to fall flat on my face once again. But like I've said over and over I am such a sucker for punishment. I arrived at his house to pick him up for the surprise I had planned.
He walked out and I had to pinch my self to keep calm and not get carried away. It was like seeing him for the first time, all these feelings and memories flooded my brain. Most people don't believe in love at first sight, but even after all these years I still feel in love with the sight of him. It was like the first time I had seen him and I unravelled at the seams. His personality was a whole different story lol.. but he was definitely easy on the eyes.
I had found my self once again serving my heart to him on a platter openly inviting him to shatter me into pieces once again.
Well none the less we had a great weekend and sadly that was the end of it.
Today I found my self wanting to talk to him but I didn't, I just couldn't....
Mr. K,
You've been on my mind all week... I wish I could dare you to love me again, but I can't because I know your answer is going to be no. I should know better because we've been here before. If only you knew I was worthy I would dare you to love me one last time.
But in the back of my mind there was this voice always whispering "watch out you could fall flat on your face again and he'll just walk away destroying you". I was always hoping that I could just be worthy of him one last time. Thinking maybe that I had to have trials and tribulations in order to have something more than love something better than love. It wasn't meant to be easy and it wasn't meant to be so difficult. But the struggle kept me wanting more. It was like a disgusting addiction. I had found my self addicted to having him hurt me because thats all I had known. To move on and let someone else love me was unquestionable. It was outrageous on a whole another level for me to even dare submerge my self into thinking such things.
Quite often I had found my self wondering what it would be like. Never attempting to get my feet wet but keeping an eye from a distance. I was a creature of habit, all I knew was him and I would rather suffer till the very end than change.
Anyone that knew me would tell say that I'm not the type of woman who is easily defeated or to even acknowledge defeat. I never give up even if it means being battered and bruised. If I was passionate enough I would find a way to make it work. To be defeated wasn't part of my vocabulary. Some how he always found a way to destroy me and he loved every second of it.
It was December 20th and it was the first time I had seen him in over 3 months. I had spent a whole week planning one last attempt in trying to rekindle the flame that had been put out. I hadn't slept all night. I was nervous; and I could feel it in my bones because they were mocking me with laughter. I was about to fall flat on my face once again. But like I've said over and over I am such a sucker for punishment. I arrived at his house to pick him up for the surprise I had planned.
He walked out and I had to pinch my self to keep calm and not get carried away. It was like seeing him for the first time, all these feelings and memories flooded my brain. Most people don't believe in love at first sight, but even after all these years I still feel in love with the sight of him. It was like the first time I had seen him and I unravelled at the seams. His personality was a whole different story lol.. but he was definitely easy on the eyes.
I had found my self once again serving my heart to him on a platter openly inviting him to shatter me into pieces once again.
Well none the less we had a great weekend and sadly that was the end of it.
Today I found my self wanting to talk to him but I didn't, I just couldn't....
Mr. K,
You've been on my mind all week... I wish I could dare you to love me again, but I can't because I know your answer is going to be no. I should know better because we've been here before. If only you knew I was worthy I would dare you to love me one last time.